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My 29th birthday

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The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases His mercies never come to an end They are new every morning, new every morning Great is your faithfulness This song has felt like my anthem since first year at BSSM. My own personal song. Almost like I travelled back in time to the destruction of Jerusalem, just so that I could add a little hope into the story. Or maybe the poet travelled forward in time in the middle of his lamenting and saw the evidence of God’s faithfulness as I have seen it. Or maybe God just is faithful. Maybe the same eternal being who showed his nature in the middle of tragedy in Jerusalem also shows his nature in the favour on my life. I know I sure didn’t earn it. It does after all make sense that the faithful one would be faithful in his faithfulness. That was a phrase God gave me when I was preparing for my BSSM first year missions trip. I thought it was a prophetic word for someone else, which, it turns out it was. Yet he carries life everywhere he goes and it tur...
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The day I was going to Chile

It's 7:24pm. By this time today I was meant to be on a plane to Santiago. It's funny how far away that world feels now, a mere two weeks after we found out our trip was cancelled. At the time, it felt like a real sacrifice. Don't get me wrong, I wish I was on a plane right now on my way to Chile. It just doesn't feel like such a big deal now as it did two weeks ago. Perspective, huh? Yesterday I bought my second plane ticket home for May. My first ticket was cancelled by the airline about a week ago. Still waiting for the travel agency to tell me that happened, they're a little overwhelmed at the moment. Also not as big a deal as it would have seemed two weeks ago. Again, perspective. There are so many things I could talk about right now that aren't going the way I planned or expected. I've had panic moments, swirly "what if?" moments, "how much am I willing to let this cost me?" moments. Each time one thing has saved me. Perspective. ...
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A slightly depressing Christmas post

Christmas. The most wonderful time of the year. I am acutely aware how Christmas is a painful, difficult lonely time of the year for so many. We know Christmas is about being with loved ones, but we find we're reminded more of those we love who aren't with us than those who are. Everything slows down for a couple of weeks, just long enough for those feelings we can normally push below our busyness to surface. Because we tell ourselves everything hurts less after a while. And it does. Until it doesn't. Family holidays like Christmas are great reminders of this fact. Separation always aches. It doesn't matter where in the world you come from, how you've lived, who you've known. It doesn't matter if you've feasted with kings or begged for every meal. Separation is our greatest fear as a human race. Every other fear is driven by an underlying fear of separation. It's why we function as the best, kindest versions of ourselves when we are secure in our ...
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Inside/outside of the last month

Second year at BSSM - what a whirlwind journey! The last few weeks have been incredible and very difficult to describe but I'm going to do my best. From an inside perspective: If I had to choose one word to sum up this journey so far it would be tears. Every class and church day have had tears at some point. Every day. It turns out when you ask God to help you love people better, he helps you love yourself and see his love for you better and that inevitably involves a few tears. Or a lot, actually. Some moments, I know why I'm crying, many moments I don't, but I feel so alive and I trust the process. Or, more specifically, I trust Him. His kindness, His faithfulness, His wisdom. I was trying to describe this year to a friend today who did BSSM2 last year. I said I've been learning to connect my head and my heart without shutting off either, while still being led by my spirit and not my heart without ignoring my heart, being okay with not understanding without ignori...
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Reflections on my first week back

It was a week ago today. In another world. A colder, more beautiful world. A world living in tomorrow. It was D-day, the morning of. I was at the beach and I knew it was the last time I would be at the beach for a long time. Though any time from the beach is a long time. The water was still, the sun was bright, my heart was full. I didn’t want it to go away. For a split second I wondered if I ought to even let it. It was D-day, and far too late to be wondering such things. Yet everything was perfect in that moment and it hurt to walk away. A lingering pang I just couldn’t quite shake, not in the world of tomorrow, nor in the world of today, nor in the world of yesterday where I was headed all the same. So I kept my wonderings to myself for the most part. Travel is a beautiful, kind, painful gift. Whenever I think about how slim the chances of me landing in the timeline of history where travel is so normal, I feel such gratitude. But with the ability to travel further more easily, ...
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A piece on peace

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This morning I went to the beach for a bit, and was reminded of something I wrote in a writing class during this last year at BSSM. This is a little different from my usual blog posts (if such a thing were to exist!) but here it is. Peace. A strange, simple word. With a plethora of interpretations, twisted and molded to mean whatever its holder wishes, I like the peace Scripture defines. This peace is an inside job, something beyond understanding, beyond reason, beyond circumstance. It is anchored in hope in the One whose reasoning transcends human logic or wisdom. Inspired by trust I can only build through my undeniable evidence of a faithful God, peace has been a theme in my life to an extent I could almost consider uncanny. My favourite place to be is the beach. I love the paradox of peace in my soul brought by violent waves. They crash with such power and force, yet somehow the repetitive motion is lulling. When I was a child, our family would stay near the beach on holi...
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Thank you, world

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This post is a little challenging to write, and I almost didn't. The last couple of days have been to say the least, difficult. A struggle. Painful. My heart has been aching in a way I didn't know it could. So it seemed silly in a way to bring up the emotions and it's taken some time for me to get to a point where I'm even willing to process things in writing.  I hurt for the families and loved ones of those who have been lost in Christchurch, for the violation of what is most precious for the Muslim community, for the relentless trauma the city has been put through. My prayers and aroha are with you, your grief is mine also. You are not alone. But despite the horror, despite the tragedy and the hate, there has been an overwhelming response which has struck so much deeper. Love. Even saying the word is wrecking me all over again. It's like every time I see a kindness, another layer is peeled off the walls of my heart trying to control the feels. And oh, the kin...
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