The week that was: retreat and ropes course
By campgrounds, I mean pretty fancy summer camp locations which are almost their own mini-communities: pools, ponds, waterslides, high ropes, games rooms, a cafe, a shop, bush walks - like I say, pretty fancy! Anyway it was amazing to get out in nature and have a chance to get to know my RG people better. So good!
When we first arrived, they had booths set up where you could go and get prophetic words or people would draw prophetic art or do prophetic dances, all kinds of things and run by the second year students. I got one word which had me in tears by the end. The guy, who I'd never met before, asked if I was a teacher, then went on to give me this crazy word of encouragement and affirmation that blew me away. I have never had such a specific and direct prophetic word before and in terms of where I was at emotionally and mentally, the timing could not have been better.
That night Leslie Crandall spoke (she's awesome) about Peter, how he messed up so much, yet Jesus continued to trust him. It was really powerful and one of those moments that shifted something inside me.
The following day was amazing too. Our RG met up for a bit and the love, trust, and affection between a group of people who had met only a month ago were surreal. They're like an extended family to me and I am so grateful to be with the group of people I am. They've grown to be some of my favourite people in the world.
I could go on about all the incredible moments throughout retreat, there were so many, but I won't. I will say that it felt far too short, yet looking back now was a catalyst for so many significant breakthroughs I've had since (including a wee detour at Krispy Kreme on the way home).
Speaking of, enter ropes course. Many of you will be aware I have a fear of heights. And balancing. And trusting people with my life. And being out of control. So I went into ropes course, let's just say, a little apprehensive! However, it turns out that my challenges to overcome for the day had little to do with any of these things.
We started off with team building activities on the ground, which, I won't bore you with the details of, but I found a lot harder than I normally would, at the time I wasn't sure why. Then we went to the ropes course and I did the lower level but was feeling super insecure so didn't go up to the top level. I felt like a bit of a failure and was frustrated with myself because I knew my reason for not participating was not so much the height, but that I felt like I would hold the rest of the team up and they wouldn't have as much fun.
Feeling quite sorry for myself and ready to go home, we then had dinner and debrief together with everyone in my RG. I was processing my day with one of the third year students over dinner and she was asking why I was so frustrated about the different events of the day and I heard myself say, "I really just don't like messes I can't clean up." Wow. Okay. Interesting thought.
After a couple of moments of denial, I realised this was the root of not only so many frustrations in my day but also in my life. I had always needed to be perfect, to have everything all together, to not be the slow one or the burdensome one. This was one of the deepest fears of my life and had held me back so many times from experiencing things or trying things, from learning and growing, and I hadn't even realised it was a thing.
All of a sudden my perspective of the whole day changed as I pondered, hang on, why is it bad to be messy? Why am I so afraid of mess? Turns out, it's actually okay. It's okay to be messy, to not have everything together, to need other people to help you, to have opinions others don't agree with, to do things a little differently from everyone else. Mess is okay! So we had sharing time at the end of the night and I found myself up the front yelling into the mic with tears streaming down my face and people running up and hugging me, "It is okay to be messy!"
Obviously this is an ongoing process and I have to keep reminding my thoughts not to go into old bad habits but I feel so much more free now and it's amazing! All from a day at ropes. Who would have thought, huh? Only at Bethel!
After a couple of moments of denial, I realised this was the root of not only so many frustrations in my day but also in my life. I had always needed to be perfect, to have everything all together, to not be the slow one or the burdensome one. This was one of the deepest fears of my life and had held me back so many times from experiencing things or trying things, from learning and growing, and I hadn't even realised it was a thing.
Obviously this is an ongoing process and I have to keep reminding my thoughts not to go into old bad habits but I feel so much more free now and it's amazing! All from a day at ropes. Who would have thought, huh? Only at Bethel!
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